why? that's destiny, isnt it ?

kenapa nama LIVIA CAROLINNA masih disebut - sebut sampe gue di malang? dan kenapa anak di DEMPO bisa ada yang kenal sama LIVIA CAROLINNA??

cannot.

--------------------------------------------------------------

jujur aku tak sanggup, aku tak bisa
aku tak mampu dan aku tertatih
semua yang pernah kita lewati
tak mungkin dapat  ku dustai
meskipun harus tertatih

begitu dalamnya aku terjatuh
dalam kesalahan rasa ini
--------------------------------------------------------------

that's Kerispatih's song and the title is 'Tertatih'

for mr.messy :

that song is for you, mr. i've done for everything. i've done to waiting for you because that's nothing chances for me, haven't i ?

without you say to me, i already know. i'm so stupid because i fall for you too deep. it's my mistake and i'm very fool!

i love you.

i care you.

i need you.

and.

i miss you.

but.

i try to not love you.

i try to not care you.

i try to not need you.

and.

i try to not miss you.

everything without you!

nb : i try to hate you. 

goodbye again :(

post kali ini dalam bahasa indonesia saja.

ok cerita pada post blog kali ini di tengah hujan yang mengguyur kota Bogor adalah ttg mimpi gue.

lagi - lagi messy muncul di mimpi gue. entah kenapa dia bisa ada di mimpi gue. emang sebelumnya gue ngomongin dya sama ce vinka tapi gue gak kepikiran mpe kebawa mimpi. mungkin gue khawatir banget sama dya karena satu hal itu. gue gak bisa ceritain mimpi nya kyk gymana secara detail tp yang pasti semua nya gak masuk akal banget karena gue memperkirakan itu gak mungkin tapi gak tau Tuhan merencakan apa.

ada lagu buat mr.messy yang selalu datang nd pergi gitu aja.

Who wants you now?
Maybe somebody else
I'll wait around
Maybe you'll forget you were ever here
Maybe forget you were ever, never here

I'm on the outside, looking down
What do I see?
So much of this cold, in the ground
Where would i be?
On the outside, looking down
Cover me before you go

It's in your mind
It's in your eyes
So it's goodbye again
It's way past time
For one last try
So it's goodbye again 

kadang gue udah bisa ngelepas lu tapi gue gak bisa buat gak peduli sama lu karena lu .................

sekarang mungkin lu udah nemuin yang baru lagi tapi kenapa gue masih ttep terpaku sama lu ?! apa gue emang bego ya ?? kyk nya IYA !

gue udah ngelepasin lu berdua tapi ttep aja ada di beberapa bagian yg gue gak bisa bwt ninggalin lu berdua :(

so, it's goodbye again messy ! 

so, it's goodbye again M ! 

 

losing my own way.

where do i go

every direction

seems to be against the flow

and who will I be

what does it mean to just be me

so tired of having to choose

where I'll be and what I'm gonna do

lost in cofussion I feel like I'm losing it all

where do i go from here

with all this confusion now who's gonna break my fall

there's no one left to call

nothing is clear

where do i go from here

did i let you down

my good intentions never seem to come around

and i have to believe

that there's an answer I can't see

so tired of having to choose

where I'll be and what I'm gonna do

I cant tell what's up or down

my head's spinning all the time

every time that i turn around

there's another useless sign

I wanna know but i don't know

which way I'm gonna go

where will i go

which way will i go

KOSONG !

Pernahkah kau merasa tidak pernah merasa sepi
pernahkah kau merasa tidak pernah merasa sunyi
aku tak pernah
aku selalu merasakannya
kosong...
kosong...

Pernahkah kau terbangun dan merasa semua, semu
pernahkah kau inginkan lari dari dirimu kini
itulah aku, aku selalu merasakannya
kosong...
kosong...

Pernahkah kau merasa tidak pernah merasa sepi
pernahkah kau merasa tidak pernah merasa sunyi
aku tak pernah
aku selalu merasakannya
kosong...
kosong...
kosong....

such a BULLSHIT

for Mr. M

for Mr. Messy

I've learned to love the pain. cause that's the only way that I know how to feel.

if you could see me now. somehow

The nights grow cold
I'm growing older
Everyday you're gone
Is more lonesome than the last one
I've spent all this time
Without you in my life
And you're still on my mind
Nothing ever feels alright

I'm tired of being alone
Why don't you just come home
Because I miss you so
And I want you to know

If you could see me now
We could move on somehow
If you could travel all the miles again
If you could just see me now
You wouldn't have a doubt
We could just start this love all over
And forget the things we know
If you could see me now
Somehow

Everything I said
Wasn't what I meant
I hope you can forget
And I can leave all my regrets
Behind tonight
And catch a flight to Boston
And come start a new life
And this time we can do it right

I'm tired of being alone
Why don't you just come home
Because I miss you so
And I want you to know

If you could see me now
We could move on somehow
If you could travel all the miles again
If you could just see me now
You wouldn't have a doubt
We could just start this love all over
And forget the things we know
If you could see me now
Somehow

If you could see me now
We could move on somehow
If you could travel all the miles

If you could see me now
We could move on somehow
If you could travel all the miles again
If you could just see me now
You wouldn't have a doubt
We could just start this love all over
And forget the things we know
If you could see me now
We could move on somehow
If you could travel all the miles again
If you could see me now
Somehow

who?!

this night i must decide who can i holding on. *maaf kalo bahasa inggris gue kacau soalnya lagi error.*
i will with him. i promise i never leave him even if i must keep my feeling to 'boy'. maybe everything will change after this, i must let 'boy' go. i must still with him. i'm ready to get hurt again. yeah i'm ready !
for many times i must let my time go away just for him. i can't to let him. i can't let him down !!!
i love 'boy' but i must choose him because i don't want to let him down. yeah i've decided that !

for ita nd vivi :
*semoga ita baca*
ta, vi, maaf loh aku belom bisa menuhin janji ku untuk tulisan ini. aku gak bisa cerita secara langsung apa masalah ku tapi aku bakal berusaha kok bwt libur 1 minggu ntar buat ngebuat semua tulisan itu. aku bakal bayar utangku itu waktu liburan seminggu nanti.

greet,

i feel different when you whispered me and said 'Happy Valentine, yoo'

melting ? i don't know exactly. i just feel happy :)

boy, why do you this to me ?!

you know ?! i miss you soooooo badly !

now you know

Suppose that I missed you
Suppose that I care
And suppose that spent all my nights running scared
And suppose
That I was never there

And my eyes are screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too

Suppose we were happy
Suppose it was true
And suppose there were cold nights
But we somehow made it through
And suppose that I'm nothing without you
My eyes I'm screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, you know what I feel ?!

Now, you know what I want to share ?!

Now, you know what I’ve write ?!

Now, you know what I think ?!

It’s all about YOU,boy !

Xoxo,

please realize it !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm staring at the glass in front of me,
is it half empty of our wins or have i ruined all you've given me?
I know I've been selfish,
I know I've been foolish,
but look through that
and you will see,
I'll do better, I know,
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you call me a stranger
you say I'm a danger
but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight
I'm broke and abandoned
you are an angel
making all my dreams come true tonight

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suppose that I missed you
Suppose that I care
And suppose that spent all my nights running scared
And suppose
That I was never there

 

And my eyes are screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have) 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

And someday, I promise I'll be gone.
And someday, I might even sing this song to you.
I might even sing this song to you.
To you, to you, to you...
And I was crying alone tonight,
and I was wasting all of my life
just thinking of you.
So just come back,
we'll make it better.
So just come back,
I'll make it better than it ever was.
I'll make it better than it ever was.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

those songs are what i feel NOW!

my deadline in Feb

ini deadline / jadwal nulis ekspedisi yang gue buat tadi

deadline ttg tulisan lagi !

kadung nangis aku cakkkk ! sumpah ya deadline ini emang bener" bikin gue mau nangis :((

so now, 
what do i need ?
 
i need spirit !

from who ?

from them !

who is them ? 


them who can make me smile.


where are they ?


i don't know !


do you can find them ?


i don't think so.

so now,
who can be your inspiration ?


HIM.


could he can give your spirit ?

i hope so.

I JUST NEED MORE SPIRIT !

i'm crazy because this DEADLINE which rush in time !

i'm gonna die !

why hope love

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

---------------------------------------------------------------

hey boy ! why you must make me down nd broke after that you make me up nd smile because of you ?!

boy, why do you do this to me ?!

 boy, i hope you realize nd know. i hope. 

and love.

xoxo,

apa aku harus mengalah lagi ?

gue baru liat blog seseorang nd gue sambungin blog nya sama dia. nah, koq gue ngerasa ada something deh di balik itu semuanya. ya ampunn apa gue salah yah masuk ke kehidupan kalian berdua nd buat bayang - bayang di kehidupan kalian berdua ?!

i just wanna say sorry if i've disturb you. i really sorry if i have a lot of hopes to him. i didn't mean that, girl. i will go if you want him even if just your best. maybe i just negative thinking to you both but i don't know why i feel this stupid things. but girl, please let me love him even if i'm so far nd you are so near in distance with him. give me chance to love him..

this is for you, boy :

terlanjur aku jatuh cinta padamu
meski ku tau terlarang
namun bagaimana perasaan hatiku
harusku biarkan atau tetap begini

sudah cukup lama kau dan aku begini
jalani kisah tak jelas
aku tau kasih engkau milik dirinya
sampai dimana ku kan bergantung pada dirimu

bagaimana
bila ku mengalah
walau sebenarnya ku tak rela
mungkinkah ini
harus ku jalani
walaupun hati takkan mampu
menjadi kekasih yang tersimpan

ingin rasanya untuk diakui
namun itu tak mungkin
sampai kapan ku bergantung padamu

sorry,..

is this your answer GOD ?

tadi pagi aku berdoa :

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuhan kalo emang dia bukan untukku, hilangkan dia dari hidupku.
Kalo dia memang untukku walaupun suatu saat nanti, tunjukan aku keberadaannya.

aku menyerahkan semuanya ini ke dalam tanganMu, Tuhan. Amin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

apa kejadian hari ini emang jawaban Tuhan ????

wah gak bisa tidur nie gue.. hm as usual gue post dr hape lg nie..
gue kangen gerald nie, pngen crta ke dia tp kga pernah ktmu d ym..
ok gk bhas ttg gerald..

kali ini gue bkal bhas ttg messy yg sudah hilang namun muncul lg..
jd crtany gni, td gue nd wuri beli roti maryam di dpn skul nah, bz th gue mau pipis. hm ya pas mau k wc, gue emg liat dy d dpn kelas lg duduk termenung kyk gk ada pengharapan dan kasih. tp gue pkr dy gk liat jd ya gue k wc aja. pas keluar wc trnyata.... tbtb gue liat ada org d dpn kopsis, dr bntk tbuh yg gue knal tp dr sepatu gk tau. ya udah gue jalan aja tbtb 'SYAA..!' trnyata messy.. dy manggil nd nyuruh duduk tp gue tkut kyk dlu jd akhrny gue cuman brdiri d smping dy tp dy nyuruh duduk. ya udh gue duduk d sblh dy..
dy crta dy ptus ma cwe ny.. cwe ny kyk ngbuang dy gt aja pdhl messy udh brkorban bnyk bgd trmsuk GAK NGEHUBUNGI GUE WALAU CUMAN SEBAGAI SAHABAT! beuh ngrasain jg khan di buang th kyk gymana?! tp kalo dy emg iklas ya udh jgn bhas lg lah..
gue pngen bgd blng ke cwe ny kalo TOGI MASIH SAYANG BANGET SAMA DINDA !
andai dinda bc ini.. tp togi emg msh syang bgd ma dinda. gue bs liat itw dr mata togi..

bwt togi :
gii, lu emg shbt gue dan gue sayang ma lu! karma itw emg nyata masih brlaku di dunia ini. lu bs ngrasain khan gymana skitny di buang gt aja.? sama kyk apa yg gue rasain dlu. gue bkan blz dndam tp emg alam yg blz smuany. tp 1 hal ya gii, APA YANG UDAH LOE KORBANIN JANGAN PERNAH LOE ITUNG2 LAGI KALO LOE EMANG TULUS AKAN SMUA ITW!

-anstheo

i should go bed actually, but i can't :( i cannot sleep well. 

why i cannot sleep well ? 

because of you !! 

i'm gonna miss you. 

you don't allow me to go back but i should go. 

i'm sorry :( i'll back for you not for her again but (maybe) it's for you!

i'll back to you or may GOD allow us to meet again,

we can meet again certainly :)

i'm addicted to you

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa..

i wanna be with you again

i don't know why i feel this unknown feeling

am i falling in love again ?! am i just crushing on you ?

or

..............................................................

yeah ! you are the best i ever had boy ! i never meet someone like you. you are the inspiration. you should know. you always in my heart and my mind. thank you had been be mine !